"I Hate Myself When I Yell at My Kids" and How Understanding Emotions Helps

Stress gives us a short fuse. Understanding our emotions gives us self-control.

A few years ago, I sat with a lovely man, who was also a father. He came to therapy because he was yelling at his kids, which he knew was from his own lack of ability to keep his cool, especially when he was stressed. He told me, “I love them so much. But they don’t listen, and I lose it. I hate myself afterwards.”

As we explored what happened for Ben in those moments, he discovered that beneath the yelling was a tightness in his chest—what he later recognized as anxiety. As we slowed down to calm his anxiety, he could name the fear that lay beneath it. He feared that he was failing as a father. This fear got triggered when his kids didn't listen or when he interpreted their developmentally-normal behaviors as disrespect. That fear also reminded him of how small and scared he’d felt around his own critical dad, who also frequently yelled at him.

The Change Triangle helps us find greater calm, connection. curiosity, and compassion.

Ben had never made any of these connections before. He’d never had the chance to name his emotions, much less understand how they were shaping his parenting. As he began to validate his feelings instead of shoving them down, his reactivity softened. He started pausing instead of exploding.

With the volume turned down on Ben's reactivity, he could appreciate his kid's desire for wanting to play and not wanting to be put to bed. Instead of getting mad and yelling at them, he could now calmly say, "Sorry kids, I know this is a bummer, but playtime is done for today. Now I am going to put you to bed." He then picked up and gently carried his young son to the bathroom to brush teeth and his older child followed in step.

Stories like Ben’s are why I believe emotions education is essential for parents. We can only meet our children’s feelings when we know how to meet our own.

In my work, I teach parents how emotions function in the mind and body, and how to recognize the common ways we avoid them—through anxiety, shame, or behaviors like numbing, overworking, or snapping at our loved ones.

I teach a simple tool called the Change Triangle, which guides parents to gently work through their defenses and inhibitory emotions to access the core emotions underneath. Once we name and identify our core emotions, it's much easier to stay calm, connected, curious and compassionate. These are the guiding lights for parenting.

Parenting is not about perfection. It’s about awareness. When we become curious about our inner world, we become more compassionate—toward ourselves and toward our kids. And compassion, not control, is what strengthens connection and trust.

Parenting stirs up everything we didn’t get as children. But it also offers a powerful opportunity to grow, heal, and do things differently. Parents do have feelings, too. And when we honor those feelings instead of dismissing them, we become the grounded, emotionally present guides our children need most.

On September 23, 2025, my new book comes out called, Parents Have Feelings, Too. It's easy to understand, written for parents by parents. I hope you'll read it. Understanding emotions is a game-changer for health and wellbeing - both for ourselves and our families.