What is the Change Triangle© Tool for Emotional Health ?
A map to your true self
The Change Triangle is a simple yet powerful tool to help you feel better. It guides you from emotional distress back to your calm, confident, connected Self. The Change Triangle is a tool you learn now and practice over a lifetime. The goal is to feel our best and spend more and more time in the open-hearted state of the authentic Self, returning to that calm and clear state with greater ease.
The Change Triangle helps to recognize three types of emotional experiences.
Core Emotions
Sadness, anger, fear, joy, excitement, and disgust are core emotions—wired into our biology to help us survive and thrive. They are automatic survival programs, not under conscious control. They are physical in nature, deeply affecting our body. Each core emotion has an adaptive action: fear mobilizes escape, joy draws us to connection, anger protects our boundaries, sadness invites comfort, excitement fuels growth, and disgust warns of harm. By experiencing them, we can harness their wisdom and drop into the openhearted state of our authentic self. Core emotions keep us safe, connected, and fully alive.
Inhibitory Emotions
Anxiety, guilt, and shame are the three inhibitory emotions. They serve to push down our core emotions for two main reasons: to protect us from social rejection and to prevent emotional overwhelm. In small doses, these emotions are helpful, guiding us to be thoughtful, responsible, and socially attuned.
But if our family or culture repeatedly dismissed our authentic self or left us alone to manage painful emotions, we may carry toxic levels of anxiety, guilt, and shame that block our full self-expression and resilience. Healing begins when we safely reconnect with the core emotions beneath these inhibitory layers.
Defenses
Defenses, like overworking, zoning out, being self-critical, drinking too much, or endlessly scrolling, are the brilliant and creative ways we protect ourselves from emotional pain.
Even depression can function as a defense, shutting us down and cutting us off from our core emotions and vital self.
These defenses begin in childhood when we don't receive enough emotional validation and support. Inner tension builds like steam in a pressure cooker.
Over time, chronic reliance on defenses takes a toll on both the mind and the body.
How it works
When something upsetting happens, ask:
Where am I on the Triangle?
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Am I defending? (e.g., blaming, zoning out, people-pleasing, overthinking?)
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Am I anxious, ashamed, or guilty?
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Or am I feeling a core emotion?
Once you name where you are, the goal is to gently move down the Triangle—toward the core emotion—then through it, to arrive in a calmer, more connected state beneath the Triangle called the openhearted state of the authentic self. There are many ways to release blocked and buried core emotions. I show this in detail through the stories in It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. See a few brief examples below.
Working the Change Triangle
A real-life example from my day. I use the Change Triangle tool regularly in my own life—it’s how I stay grounded and connected to my Self.
Here’s an example:
I found myself feeling anxious about writing a new article. My chest fluttered, and my stomach felt bubbly and unsettled. Because I don’t like feeling anxious (who does?), I automatically started avoiding it. Suddenly, my mind filled with negative thoughts like, “Maybe I can’t do this,” and I became preoccupied with an unrelated phone call I’d been putting off.
This is the classic pattern of moving away from a core emotion towards the top of the Change Triangle—first to the top right corner, where anxiety lives (along with other inhibitory emotions like guilt and shame), and then to the top left, where defenses kick in. In this case, my defense was overthinking and self-doubt. I absolutely did not want to feel my anxiety!
But once I recognized that these negative thoughts were defenses, I had a choice. I could work the Change Triangle to move toward calm and clarity.
I gently asked myself- “What core emotions might be underneath this anxiety?”
To answer that, I had to shift my focus away from my thoughts and drop into my body—this step is the key.
As I tuned into my physical sensations, I felt that fluttering in my chest again. I was back in the top right corner, but this time, I was moving in the right direction—down the Triangle toward my core emotions and my true Self.
To lower my anxiety so I could access my core emotions, I took some long, slow, deep belly breaths. I met my anxiety with curiosity and compassion instead of judgment. As I calmed myself, I felt the anxiety soften a little—and then, I began to sense what was underneath.
EXAMPLE OF WORKING THROUGH ANGER Let’s say a friend cancels last-minute, and you suddenly feel irritable. You start doom-scrolling and snapping at your partner—classic defenses. You pause and ask yourself, What am I really feeling? You notice tightness in your chest and heat in your face—signals of anger, a core emotion. You breathe and allow yourself to feel it with curiosity, not judgment. You may even try to release the anger using, what we call in AEDP therapy, a rage portrayal (you can learn about them in the book, "It's Not Always Depression." You ask, What is my anger trying to tell me? It says: I feel dismissed. I wanted to feel important. Instead of staying stuck in irritation, you now understand what hurt you. You can decide: Do I want to communicate my needs to my friend? Or let it go this time? Or is this situation a familiar and recurring one? Do I need to look deeper, towards past wounds from my childhood that might be exacerbating the current situation. Either way, you’ve returned to your Self—clearer, calmer, and more grounded.
PARENTING EXAMPLE USING ANGER Imagine your child ignores you after you’ve asked them to help. You feel irritable and start snapping at your partner. That’s a defense. You pause and check in: What am I really feeling? You feel tight in your jaw and heat in your chest—anger. That’s a core emotion. Instead of lashing out or suppressing it, you breathe and listen to what the anger is saying. Maybe it says: “I feel invisible and disrespected.” Now you have choices. You can calm yourself and decide whether to set a boundary, ask for what you need, or let it go. Either way, you’re acting from your Self, not from reactivity.
Ignoring emotions leads to disconnection,
distress and symptoms like anxiety and depression. But when we name and work through our emotions, we release physiological pressure caused by blocked emotions. We gain access to wisdom, resilience, and healing. The Change Triangle gives us a map to navigate the moment—and life. The Change Triangle is a map back to emotional balance and your most authentic Self.
WHY IT MATTERS
For Parents
When we ignore our emotions, we often react instead of respond. The Change Triangle helps parents stay grounded, even during meltdowns, backtalk, and exhaustion.
Understanding your own sadness, fear, guilt, or anger helps you model emotional health for your kids. When you’re calm and connected to your Self, you raise more resilient, emotionally aware children.
For Professionals
Therapists, educators, and healthcare workers use the Change Triangle to support emotional healing and build self-awareness. It provides a framework to understand emotional dysregulation and restore core connection.
For Everyone
When you're overwhelmed, the Change Triangle helps you figure out what you're feeling and why. It teaches you how to deal with emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety—instead of shutting down or acting out.
It’s not about “fixing” emotions. It’s about understanding and working with them, so you can feel more like yourself.