When it comes to emotions, many of us have been taught to believe that men and women are wired differently. Culturally, we may picture women as more emotional and men as more stoic. But neuroscience tells a different story. From birth, every human being—regardless of gender—comes equipped with the exact same core emotions. They include fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, and excitement. These universal, hardwired emotional systems are located deep within the brain, primarily in regions like the amygdala and brainstem, which is why these emotions are NOT under conscious control. Evolved to help us survive and thrive, core emotions alert us to danger, connect us to others, and motivate adaptive actions. We cannot stop our emotions, but we can absolutely work with them in optimal ways . Antonio Damasio, a pioneering neuroscientist, has shown that emotions are not only biological and universal, but they are essential for decision-making, self-awareness, and making meaning of our lives. Emotions arise in the body first as physical sensations, and then travel up to the brain where they are felt, named, and integrated into thoughts and behaviors. This process is the same in all human beings. Neuroscientist Bud Craig made groundbreaking contributions to our understanding of how the body and brain process emotions . According to Craig, emotions aren’t just thoughts or reactions—they’re built-in, biological tools that help us survive, make good decisions, and stay in physiological balance. In other words, emotions are natural and necessary. The differences we observe in how men and women express core emotions are not biological but social. From a young age, boys are often humiliated for displaying vulnerable emotions like sadness or fear. How many times have we overheard a parent telling a crying boy, "Stop it" or "Man up" or Don't act like a girl!" Over time, these moments become internalized causing boys to grow into men that don’t perceive their tender emotions anymore. But they are still there, just heavily guarded with defenses . Girls, in kind, may be discouraged from or criticized for expressing anger. The way our parents and society allow our emotions as children is how we end up allowing our emotions as adults. We come to believe that the emotional capacities of men and women are fundamentally different. But they are not. “Girls are socialized to be emotional … whereas boys are socialized to be unemotional … constraining how, where, why, and with whom certain emotions are expressed." - Wester, S. R., et al (2002) What I’ve witnessed in my psychotherapy practice, and what research supports, is that when men feel safe, meaning their feelings will be unconditionally accepted and validated, they feel just as deeply as women do. They cry, they fear, they hurt, they long for connection, they have needs, and they love. And when women are given space to express anger and assertiveness without shame, they find the strength that was always there. In my practice, I teach men and women about emotions using the Change Triangle . This u niversal tool for emotional health teaches us how emotions work in the mind and body, how to re-connect with the full spectrum of our core emotions, and how to spend more time in calm and confident states of being. In a safe, non-judgmental space, we can move past anxiety and shame to access the full range of our core emotions—and in doing so, reconnect with our authentic self to find relief. Understanding that we all share the same emotional makeup isn’t just a scientific fact—it’s a path to greater compassion and connection. When we stop judging emotions and start using them as the powerful compass for living that they are, we are transformed and empowered to grow, relate, and feel more whole. Having and expressing emotions isn’t a “female thing” or a “male thing.” It’s a human thing. Academic References Chaplin, T. M. (2015). Chaplin, T. M. (2015). Gender and emotion expression: A developmental contextual perspective. Emotion Review, 7 (1), 14–21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073914544408 Clark , D. Q., & Altarriba, J. (2023). Social-cultural socializations of emotion. In Current Topics in Behavioral Damasio, A. (1999). Damasio, A. R. (1999). The feeling of what happens: Body and emotion in the making of consciousness.  Harcourt. Ekman, P. (1992). Ekman, P. (1992). An argument for basic emotions. Cognition and Emotion, 6 (3–4), 169–200. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699939208411068 Fosha, D. (2000). The transforming power of affect: A model for accelerated change . New York, NY: Basic Books. Jacobs Hendel, H. (2018). It’s not always depression: Working the Change Triangle to listen to the body, discover core emotions, and connect to your authentic self  (1st ed.). New York, NY: Random House. Hyde, J. S. (2005). Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American Psychologist, 60 (6), 581–592. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.60.6.581 Izard, C. E. (2007). Izard, C. E. (2007). Basic emotions, natural kinds, emotion schemas, and a new paradigm. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2 (3), 260–280. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6916.2007.00044.x Kring, A. M., & Gordon, A. H. (1998). Kring, A. M., & Gordon, A. H. (1998). Sex differences in emotion: Expression, experience, and physiology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74 (3), 686–703. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.3.686 Levant, R. F. (1995). Levant, R. F. (1995). Toward the reconstruction of masculinity. Journal of Family Psychology, 9 (3), 379–389. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.9.3.379 Mesquita, B., & Leu, J. (2007). Mesquita, B., & Leu, J. (2007). The cultural psychology of emotion. In S. Kitayama & D. Cohen (Eds.), Handbook of cultural psychology  (pp. 734–759). Guilford Press. Panksepp, J. (1998). Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective neuroscience: The foundations of human and animal emotions.  Oxford University Press. Tomkins, S. S. (1962–1992). Tomkins, S. S. (1962–1992). Affect, imagery, consciousness  (Vols. 1–4). Springer Publishing Company. Wester , S. R., Vogel, D. L., Pressly, P. K., & Heesacker, M. (2002). Sex  differences in emotion: A critical review of the literature and implications for counseling psychology. The Counseling Psychologist, 30(4), 528–567.

KEY POINTS Anxiety and depression are often symptoms of buried core emotions. Healing involves processing emotions caused by childhood wounds and traumas. Mourning for the self is a healthy part of recovery and not self-pity. Mourning for the self honors the pain of what we went through and often precedes access to the openhearted state of the authentic self. Robert, an adult in his 50s, had been processing the early emotional neglect and abuse that led to his low self-esteem and a decade-long depression . Using the Change Triangle as a guide, we had processed his rage, fear, and disgust . With my support and his courage, he felt his way through each emotion: naming it, validating it, sensing it physically, and allowing it to flow up and out through his body. As the wave of each core emotion rose then fell, Robert experienced relief, mastery, and newfound clarity. The most surprising part of this process for Robert, however, was the deep sadness that spontaneously emerged alongside relief, lightness, and growing self-confidence. In accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP), we call this phenomenon mourning for the self. Mourning for the self is healing in action. Fully feeling the core emotions that stemmed from his past traumas, Robert developed a profound understanding of how much he had suffered. With that acknowledgment came deep sadness for what he went through. Some people confuse mourning for the self with self-pity. Merriam-Webster defines self-pity as “A self-indulgent dwelling on one's own sorrows or misfortunes.” That is not what mourning for the self is about. Self-pity stands in stark contrast to AEDP’s definition of mourning for the self which is "grief for the self, a painful but liberating experience of compassion for the self." Processing core emotions the way we do in AEDP requires a compassionate stance towards ourselves. Many people struggle with self-compassion. When I first met Robert, he had disdain for his emotions and his inner child parts. When I coached him to approach himself with radical compassion and acceptance, he said things like I hate that part of me for being weak and I blame myself. I should have been able to escape . I asked him, “Would you ever blame your son if a teacher or other adult mistreated him?” He retorted with an emphatic, “No!” “Why not?” I asked. “Because he is innocent and just a helpless child. He deserves to be seen, loved, and treated well.” “Exactly,” I said, “You know just how a good parent behaves. Can you turn all that love and compassion inward to the little boy you once were?” And then ... an epiphany. He got it. Mourning for the self is about not only understanding what we have been through but also feeling for ourselves. The consequences of our traumas are huge. Years of life may have been compromised by false beliefs that we were not good enough, lovable, or worthy of being happy . Beliefs that others could not possibly accept us for our true self, flaws and all, led to loneliness and a feeling of disconnection. Unsatisfying relationships were the norm because we lacked trust in others. Many of us never had the pleasure of being in our bodies , feeling vital and authentic. I love being an AEDP therapist because I see it as a healing model with predictable results. Over and over again, I have witnessed my patients processing emotions and healing from their traumas. They recover their true self. A key part of this process involves acknowledging losses and mourning. Tears poured down Robert’s face as one hand covered his eyes in embarrassment. “I hate crying,” he said. Feeling deep admiration for this man, I gently whispered, “Your sadness is beautiful. It comes from your strength. This is your love… for yourself… and it’s good to let it come." To learn more about the transformational power of emotions and how we heal from trauma, pick up a copy of It's Not Always Depression (Random House, Penguin UK , and in Spanish , Chinese , Korean, Polish, Lithuanian, and soon Japanese and Turkish translations).

A young artist came to therapy feeling blocked and “lazy.” As we explored, she noticed a flutter in her chest when describing a new creative idea. When I gently asked her to stay with that sensation, tears came. She realized that her feelings of excitement had always been paired with criticism from a parent who feared risk. Together, we honored her excitement as a core emotion—not something to fear, but to trust. Over time, she began creating again, not by forcing herself, but by reconnecting with her natural inner spark. Defenses and shame block access to excitement and the open-hearted state of the authentic self A father of two came for emotion coaching feeling drained and disconnected at home. I asked him to let his mind roam free and to share what thoughts or ideas excited him these days. He lit up describing a dream he had to coach his daughter’s soccer team. When I invited him to notice what he was feeling in his body as he connected to this desire, he grew quiet and said, “It feels selfish.” "Can you say more?" I asked. "I'd feel too guilty spending my time on something that doesn't earn money or isn't a chore. Plus what if my daughter wouldn't want that. I never liked my father coming to games because he was critical." Growing up, his own excitement was dismissed as impractical. But now, in the present moment, we stayed with the glimmers of excitement as he felt it physically, allowing it space to bloom. Using deep belly breathing to ride the wave of excitement, he allowed the energy to build to its crest, infusing him with energy as he imagined being on the soccer field with the team. Over time, he came to feel more comfortable experiencing excitement. He appreciated this emotion as a longing for joyful connection and the guilt decreased over time. He signed up to coach—and felt more present, playful, and alive. Sometimes, reclaiming excitement is the doorway back to ourselves and our children . Reconnecting with excitement by bypassing defenses and working through guilt. When we talk about emotions, especially in the context of healing and therapy, we often focus on the painful ones—grief, fear, anger. But there’s one core emotion that tends to get overlooked, even though it’s vital for a full and vibrant life: excitement. Yes, excitement is a core emotion—just like sadness or fear. And yet, many people feel confused or even ashamed when they experience it. Some of us were taught to “tone it down” or not get our hopes up. We have learned to disavow our excitement. Over time, we become disconnected from our aliveness, creativity, and joy. In my work, I’ve seen how difficult it can be for people to stay with the sensations of excitement. It can feel overwhelming, unfamiliar, or even dangerous—especially if early life taught us that shining brightly led to rejection or punishment. So, we learn to shut it down. We distract ourselves. We numb out. We don’t even realize we’re doing it. But when we allow ourselves to feel excitement—to ride the wave of energy and possibility—it reconnects us to who we truly are. It fuels our passions, our relationships, our sense of meaning. So next time you feel a spark of enthusiasm, notice it. Stay with it. Let it move you. Because feeling excitement is not frivolous—it’s essential. It means you’re alive.

(Edited from the AEDP "In It Together" Conference Presentation by Heather Sanford, LCSW) In a system stretched thin and often focused on symptom management, AEDP offers something radically different: hope, transformation, and deep emotional healing. This is the story of how I brought AEDP into a program for people with serious mental illness—and how, together, we discovered that change is possible for everyone. Heather Sanford, LCSW, community mental health pioneer and co-developer of the Emotions Education 101 curriculum speaking at the AEDP Conference "In It Together" on April 6, 2025 Good morning. Thank you for being here. Before we dive in, let’s take a few deep breaths together. In through your nose, hold, and slowly out through pursed lips like you’re cooling soup. Again. One more time. Phew. My heart rate just slowed a bit, and I can feel my feet on the ground. That’s how every AEDP group I run begins—deep belly breaths to ease into the body, a gentle invitation to notice. My journey with AEDP began in 2016, when I became the director of a New York State-licensed outpatient program for adults with serious mental illness and substance use challenges. It was a job I loved—and one that terrified me. I’d spent a lifetime anxious but outwardly high-functioning. Internally, I was drowning. A bad therapy experience had left me wary, but desperation drove me back. That’s how I landed in the office of an AEDP therapist. She was… different. Not like any therapist I’d ever seen, or how I’d been trained. She offered warmth and space, even when I didn’t know I needed it. She held hope for me when I couldn’t. And slowly, I began to access a world of emotion I’d long avoided. I wasn’t ready to feel yet, but I could think about feeling—and she gently worked with that. Her quiet, attuned presence became a soft landing. Somewhere in that early healing process, I came across Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s article, It’s Not Always Depression, Sometimes It’s Shame , in The New York Times. I read it to better understand my clients—but ended up understanding myself. I devoured her book in one night. For the first time, my internal world started to make sense. This knowledge lit a fire in me. I wanted everyone—especially the clients in my PROS program—to have access to this kind of healing. But the population we served was largely on Medicaid or Medicare. Traditional AEDP therapy was simply out of reach. Then it hit me: I run a mental health program. Within the constraints of regulation, I could build what I believed people deserved. So, I started integrating AEDP into group work. I created a 12-session psycho-educational curriculum based on Hilary’s work, introducing the Change Triangle and helping participants begin to name emotions. The response was electric. One participant even reached out to Hilary to say she had a fan club in Ithaca. That message led to a connection, and we began working together to evolve the curriculum into Emotions Education 101, balancing teaching with experiential exercises. We launched Train the Trainer workshops to support others in bringing this to their communities—nonprofits, clinics, colleges. AEDP was becoming more accessible, and I was thrilled. But something still held me back at my own program. Deep down, I feared our participants “couldn’t handle” the experiential work. That belief changed when I began offering Emotions Education 101 at PROS—the same groups people around the world were attending on Zoom. The participants loved the experiential pieces. They became “glimmer detectives,” excitedly spotting transformance, the innate drive towards healing, in themselves and each other. Demand grew, and I started a weekly AEDP processing group called Advanced Practice. We began with body awareness and curiosity. Then one day, a portrayal emerged spontaneously. Portrayals, an AEDP technique, use fantasy and imagination to foster healing . I panicked—but all I had to do was stay present and ask, “Is there more?” The group held space with love, and that participant accessed anger for the first time in her life. Afterward she exclaimed, “I feel so much lighter!” These moments taught me that AEDP is absolutely accessible in community settings. You just need to slow down, simplify a bit, and lead with safety and warmth. I bring my smile, my humor, my whole self—and the group meets me there. Sometimes the richest transformation happens not when someone is speaking, but when they’re listening. Group members begin to hold hope for each other, often before they can hold it for themselves. I also love using simple exercises to demonstrate neuroplasticity—like crossing your arms the “wrong” way. It feels awkward at first, but with repetition, it gets easier. That’s what healing is: doing something new until it becomes natural. Working in community mental health is hard. It’s underfunded, under-resourced, and often heartbreaking. But it’s also where some of the most beautiful transformations happen. I’m honored to do this work. One of my favorite moments came during a group’s meta-processing, another AEDP technique where clients talk about the experience of the session. A young participant said: “I’ll hold all of you with love in my intestines. I would’ve said heart, but there’s more surface area in my intestines, and I feel like I have more room to hold people I care about now.” That’s AEDP. That’s community. That’s healing. Trauma on the Change Triangle RESOURCES: June 9thTrain the Trainer Workshop EE 101 Trauma-informed Curriculum FREE12-Class Change Triangle Curriculum FREE Print a copy of the Change Triangle Emotions Education: A Missing Piece Approaching Mental Health Care with a Trauma-Informed Perspective NY Times, It's Not Always Depression It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You and Your Family Can Thrive

The thought of going to a funeral used to terrify me. Walking into a room filled with sadness and grief evoked — well — an intense desire not to go. Anxiety was all I could feel. It obscured the emotions I wanted to have like sadness and compassion. And, I secretly felt ashamed that I didn’t have “the right feelings." It was not death itself that bothered me, it was being in the presence of grief. Why did sadness make me so anxious? Why did it turn me into a vibrating, heart-pounding, emotional mess, uncomfortable in my own skin? I felt pressure to fix sadness: to say or do just the right thing. I thought I was supposed to cheer up the person suffering, as though they had a problem to be solved. Eventually, I figured out  intellectually that I could not fix someone’s sadness. Yet, the visceral pressure to fix it didn’t go away and neither did my anxiety. An education in emotions helps anxiety Sadness is a core emotion evoked when we experience losses. When core emotions arise, they need to flow. If we push emotions down, the energy they hold gets blocked. Blocked emotions hurt us. Blocked emotions put stress on our mind and body, eventually causing symptoms like depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, stomach problems, and more. In order to let emotions flow, we need to feel safe-enough to experience them. Learning what to expect when experiencing an emotion helps make the experience more manageable, less scary and even less painful sometimes. Feeling connected to another person with whom we feel safe and comfortable is another important factor that helps make emotions bearable. I didn’t know any of these things when I was younger. And why would I? Our culture doesn't teach us what we need to know about emotions.  On my way to becoming an emotion-centered psychotherapist, I learned to just be with sadness, my own and other’s, and not try to fix it. I learned my presence and willingness to offer support was all I could realistically do. Being there was enough.  Here are some additional lessons I’ve learned: Make sure you don’t inadvertently make someone feel ashamed for their sadness by saying things like, “You really shouldn't be so sad” or “Isn’t it time you moved past this? or "Get over it!" If someone is ashamed, self-conscious, or feels you cannot deal with their emotions, they will likely hide their sadness. This impedes the ability to move through it and feel better. Problem-solving isn’t typically what people want. Remember your job is not to fix it. I sometimes ask, “Is there anything I can do for you like make you a cup of tea?” There is no normal time frame for grieving. Emotions resolve when they are ready. Many of my patients have said to me, “I should be over this (loss) by now.” I let them know that everyone and every loss is unique.  An invitation to talk is helpful. “If you’d like to talk about your loss (or what's making you sad), I want to listen.” Sometimes words don’t help. Just convey, “I’m here” by your physical presence--just be around. Show your willingness to offer physical comfort (if that is comfortable for you). For example, some people will accept a comforting hug, a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold, especially when you invite someone in with a gesture like your open-arms or your extended hand. When you are sad, try to communicate your needs.  Our loved ones cannot read our mind. (But wouldn't it be great if they could!) And, many people feel the way I did: that they are supposed to solve or fix sadness. Your family and friends may seem awkward or defensive in the face of your sadness simply because they don’t know what to do and that makes them feel uncomfortable. Therefore, we need to communicate our needs to the people around us. Take the time to teach your partner and family what you need. For example, let’s say you are feeling the loss from your adult child moving away. Your partner may notice your sadness and try to fix it by saying, “It’s not so bad.” You might say in response, “I am sad. I just need you to let me feel this way. You can help by holding me when I cry and just listening when I need to talk. I don’t need you to say or do anything else. Would that be ok?” Most partners are relieved to get guidance. W e can comfort our own sadness to help feel better . If we are aware that we are sad, we can help ourselves. For example, be compassionate to your sadness. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel any different than you actually feel. Sadness and grief are painful enough without adding a layer of judgment or pressure “to get over it” on top. To help you move through your sadness, validate it. Take it day by day or minute by minute. Ask yourself what you need for comfort, and give yourself permission to get it. Treat your own sadness and grief the same way you would treat others you love and care about. For me, it was a great relief to learn that sadness does not need fixing. Permission to feel our emotions by offering time, space and presence, is a wonderful gift you can always give to others and to your self.

My parents taught me many useful lessons but perhaps the most valuable advice was to think it through . "Think before you speak" and "Think it through before act," they'd advise. These wise words served me well over the years. What I was not taught, however, was to consider my emotions before I opened my mouth or took actions. In the past, the idea of naming and processing emotions in the body in order to think more clearly and logically wasn't yet an idea to be considered. Emotions education simply didn't exist. And the Change Triangle was still relegated to a fringe group of healing-oriented and trauma-informed psychotherapists. Nevertheless, it turns out we do need to "feel it through" as well as "think it through." We greatly benefit from understanding which emotions are affecting us and why. If we remain unaware, emotions exert a covert force upon us. We risk being puppets on a string, doing things and making decisions with unwanted consequences. Here's an example: Stephanie has a new boss with a gruff and insensitive style. After feeling publicly humiliated during a company meeting about a mistake she made, she decided to quit. However, Stephanie doesn't consider how it would be to get a new job and a new boss, or that this job pays her well and allows her flexibility. Stephanie, in a moment of insight, pauses to consider her emotions before she quits. She looks at the Change Triangle to determine what she is feeling. She names anxiety and shame. The Change Triangle is a tool that helps us figure out what we are experiencing emotionally at any given moment and shows us the path to feeling calmer and more solid in ourselves. Here is Stephanie's experience plotted on the Change Triangle: When Stephanie's boss publicly criticizes her, it evokes anger, sadness and disgust. She reflexively squashes those feelings down with shame and anxiety. The combination of core and inhibitory emotions feels so overwhelming in her body that she shifts into a defensive state causing her to almost impulsively quit her job. But then she recollects the Change Triangle and pauses to understand her emotions. She names them and understands their reason for being. This calms her and allows her to think more clearly before she takes action and quits. Knowing that anxiety and shame are both inhibitory emotions, she tries to name the underlying core emotions, hoping it will help her gain clarity as to whether she should quit her job. Slowing down to a snails pace by taking deep belly breaths , she scans her body up and down for a full minute, being curious about what core emotions she will encounter underneath her anxiety. She imagines diving below her defenses and inhibitory emotions to name each and every core emotion underneath. Stephanie notices sadness, anger, and disgust. No wonder she was so upset and wanted to quit , she thought, she had many emotions! When she listened to each of those emotions, one-by-one, this is what she learned about herself: I am sad because I am a good worker and I deserve a more affirming work environment. So I am sad that I don’t have that. I am angry at my boss for publicly embarrassing me. I am disgusted by my boss for the way he hurt me. Now Steph can think more clearly about what to do, not based on emotional impulsivity. Instead she listens to her emotions, taking them into consideration during the thought process. Just by naming her emotions, she felt less distressed and more compassionate to herself. Remembering that the waves of emotions pass often after a night’s sleep, she decided to wait to see how her feelings changed in the days to come. A week later, she had totally recovered and even had a few nice meetings with her new boss where the boss (slightly) redeemed herself. We make many decisions throughout the day that can affect us for better or worse. By feeling it through and thinking it through, we get the best outcomes. When we work the Change Triangle, we get calmer, more curious, more compassionate, and we gain clarity. We build space in our mind and body to consider if the words we want to speak or the actions we want to take will bring us towards peace and prosperity. I wish that for you. Further reading: To Learn more about how to tend to your emotions using the Change Triangle as a guide, pick up a copy or listen to It's Not Always Depression (US & Canada) or It's Not Always Depression (UK) For Parents on their emotions: Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can Thrive (Coming September 2025, Pre-order now)

Seth’s natural impulse was to shy away from showing affection to his girlfriend. That made perfect sense to me since he grew up with a father who never showed affection. How would a little boy learn that it was good to express intimacy and affection if his own father could not? Answer: A little boy would not. Early brain wiring makes us very aware and wary of unfamiliar experiences. In general, the feelings and actions that our parents freely expressed when they were raising us come to be the feelings and actions that we feel comfortable with as adults. These lessons can be overridden, but usually not without some conflict as our early brain programming is strong. Changing our behavior is a challenging task for most of us and takes willingness and mental energy. Doing something different than we saw our parents do initially triggers a sense that we are risking something: rejection, humiliation, or embarrassment. We are out in proverbial left field when we demonstrate feelings and behaviors not part of our family culture. Seth, however, was trying to grow beyond what his father modeled. During one of our sessions, he shared, “I can sense that part of me that wants to shy away from intimacy. Every bone in my body wants to retreat. I feel very embarrassed showing any public display of affection. But when I’ve forced myself to put my arm around my girlfriend when we are out with friends, I can see how much that means to her. Seeing her happy makes me happy and overrules my discomfort. Each time I show affection, I grow more comfortable. I'm starting to actually like it.” I was moved by Seth’s courage to do the opposite of what was familiar, to forgo total safety in service of personal growth. And I was impressed by Seth's strength to overcome the impulses that pulled him away from connection. It was brave to demonstrate tenderness towards his girlfriend. He liked the connection and intimacy even though he struggled to accept that he liked it. He came to learn he wasn’t weak for wanting and showing intimacy. He realized he was instead strong. All people have the ability to grow their capacity for intimacy. When you tap into your desire for more connection, you have the choice to embrace the opportunity. Here are 5 tips to help you grow your capacity for intimacy: Expect and welcome the (temporary) discomfort that comes with doing something different. Start off with small steps to minimize discomfort. Share with your partner or friend that you are trying out new ways of being and ask for support. Learn more about human emotions and the biological need for intimacy and attachment so you have the validation that your needs for love, connection, and intimacy are totally normal. Remember that you are worthy of love and connection even if you feel unworthy because you didn’t get enough as a child. As Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, writer, social critic, and political activist, once said, “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.” Postscript: If you are a father reading this and my words are bringing up guilt or remorse that you didn't give enough to your child, it is never too late. We can make amends: be accountable for our actions, apologize, and forge a new intimate relationship. A+ for trying! (Patient details have been changed to protect privacy) Read more on fatherhood and parenting: Parents Have Feelings, Too Read more on men and emotions: What Don Draper & Mad Men Taught Us About Trauma & Shame The Unattainable Standard For Men The Difference Between Sex & Love For Men (& Women) It’s Not Always Depression, Sometimes it’s Shame Ignoring Your Emotions is Bad for Your Health. Here’s What to do About It. Why Am I Uncomfortable Getting Close to People And, for a comprehensive read on emotions and how to connect to your authentic self, you might enjoy, “It’s Not Always Depression”(Random House, 2018) #childhood #fatherhood #parenting #emotions #relationships #intimacy #shame #embarrassment #emotionalhealth

“Rupture and repair” refers to the breaking and restoring of connection with one another. Since humans are wired for connection, and connection is what researchers say brings most happiness, rupture and repair is a critical concept to learn about for wellbeing. Part 1 of this series addresses rupture and repair between children and parents . Part 2 will address rupture and repair in adult relationships. Let’s begin with a question that developmental psychologist Edward Tronick, Ph.D. asked in a paper called Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants : Why do some children become sad, withdrawn, insecure, or angry, whereas others become happy, curious, affectionate, and self-confident? You might be surprised to know that emotional communication starts at birth and influences how we connect throughout our lives. Because infants can’t speak, people used to think babies didn’t have emotions and were not sensitive to their surroundings. We now know that as soon as we are born, emotional communication and the drive for connection begins. Like the interconnecting roots of adjacent trees, adults and infants are inextricably linked and constantly communicating with each other through emotions. Moreover, the way these early interactions play out greatly influences how well we feel and connect with others as we grow up. Most communication is actually non-verbal. Even as adults, humans communicate primarily without words. Tone of voice, facial expressions, eye gaze, and body posture are expressed, setting off positive or negative emotions in the brain and body of the infants and adults receiving them. Words matter less. Just imagine your partner declares their love to you with an irritated tone of voice or a scowl on their face. No matter what age we are, when non-verbal and verbal communication is positive and respectful, we feel calmer and more connected. When we feel calm and connected to our parents, it builds inner security enabling more positive connection with others. When babies feel calm and connected, we increase the chances that they will become happy, curious, affectionate, and self-confident. Conversely, when communication from loved ones is harsh, threatening , dismissive, and/or humiliating, the body tenses and we erect defenses for emotional protection. As a result, our authentic self retreats inward , and we struggle to have satisfying connections. Babies are deeply affected by feeling alone, becoming sad, withdrawn, insecure, or angry. Awareness is the Key Monitoring our emotions and reactions matters for children’s emotional health and development. Awareness is hard especially in busy families with hectic lives. It requires an on-going commitment to working on emotional awareness using helpful tools like the Change Triangle or meditating daily. Two guiding principles for parents: Maintain an attuned and accepting emotional connection with children—regardless of their behavior . Attunement begins by making the effort to sense emotions, emotional needs, and moods. A caregiver who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on a youngster's emotional state. For example, if a baby is sad, a parent will respond with comfort. If a baby is excited, a parent will join in their excitement as opposed to shutting them down because the parent is in a bad mood. Shutting down an exuberant child creates shame, the worst kind of rupture. Attunement doesn't mean we like or accept "bad" behavior. But it does mean we respond to a child holding in mind what will nourish their mental health in the long run. Repair ruptures immediately. Ruptures are inevitable and even important for positive growth but only when ruptures are short-lived. Repairing ruptures as soon as we become aware of them is vital. Repairs are made by being empathic, warm, loving, accepting, curious, and playful. This may sound difficult—and in practice, it’s even harder, because even as infants, children affect their parents’ emotions and behaviors right back. Rupture and Repair Example To illustrate the concept and subtlety of emotional attunement, Tronick in Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants asked us to imagine two infant-mother pairs playing peek-a-boo: In the first scenario, the infant abruptly turned away from his mother as the game became too stimulating for him. He sucked his thumb and stared into space with a dull facial expression. The mother stopped playing and sat back watching her infant. After a few seconds, the infant turned back to her with an interested and inviting expression. The mother moved closer, smiled, and said in a high-pitched exaggerated voice, “Oh, now you’re back!” They smiled and coo-ed in response to each other. Once again, the infant reinserted his thumb and looked away. The mother waited again. After a few seconds, the infant turned back to her, and they greeted each other with big smiles. In the second situation, the infant turned away, but the mother didn't wait long enough for the infant to come back on his own. She leaned over into the infant’s line of vision while clicking her tongue to attract his attention. The infant, however, ignored the mother and continued to look away (he was trying to calm himself by breaking eye contact). Not picking up on his need, the mother persisted and moved her head closer to the infant. The infant frowned, fussed, and pushed at the mother’s face. Within seconds he turned even further away from his mother and continued to suck on his thumb. Without focusing on who was responsible for any “mistakes” in the above interactions, let’s notice how the emotions and behaviors of one led to the emotions and behaviors of the other: In both scenarios, the infant’s turning away and sucking his thumb was a message to the mother that the infant needed to disconnect for a little while to calm down his nervous system. Even as babies, we instinctively know when we need to lower the “stimulation” coming from our environment. A mother is inherently stimulating—just because she is another person. Each mother respected this communication from her infant by waiting—at first. But the first mother greeted her infant with smiles, waited patiently, and consistently let her infant determine when he was ready to reconnect. The relaxed patience of the first mother conveyed safety to the infant. The infant’s freedom to come in and out of the connection with the mother as he pleased brings forth a deep sense of wellbeing in a child, who learns on the deepest level he can trust others to respect his needs. The second mother, on the other hand, failed to pick up the cue that her infant was not ready to connect again. She likely felt angry, anxious, sad, longing, or had another emotion that interfered with her infant’s need for distance at that moment. The rupture was the mother’s “intrusion,” which made it hard for the baby’s nervous system to calm down and regulate, one of the bedrocks of wellbeing. The intrusion prolonged the infant’s disconnection from his mother, which is not what any baby wants. It’s a subtle difference that entails understanding the difference between giving a child, or adult, for that matter, permission to have closeness and distance as they choose versus forcing closeness or distance. Problems arise when interactions leading to ruptures are the norm. The infant grows into a child who expects to be infringed upon and/or emotionally abandoned and develops protective defenses to cope. Tronick found that infants who chronically experienced ruptures from mis-attunements disengaged more from their mothers and the rest of their environment and distorted their interactions with other people. And, it affects their mental health later in life. The kicker is mis-attunement happens to all parents. Being perfectly attuned just isn’t possible—nor would it be a good thing anyway. What builds emotional security is a parent’s determination to repair ruptures soon after they have occurred. Parents can repair ruptures by being mindful of how emotions influence their infant’s and their own behaviors. Taking it upon ourselves to receive a basic education in emotions, attachment, and childhood trauma provides tools so we can proactively strive for positive connections as we tolerate our own feelings of rejection, disappointment, anger, sadness, and longing for closeness. When we ignore an infant’s emotional cues because we don’t understand them or we can’t tolerate our own feelings, we are forcing them to cope alone. But when we respond to cues appropriately, an infant’s authentic self can emerge and thrive. Want to have an experience that illustrates how all of this affects us in adult relationships? Let’s say your partner or family member asks for space, or perhaps they just “feel distant.” What emotions or physical sensations does that scenario bring up for you? Are you confident they will “come back?” Do you get anxious/panicky? Do you get angry? Does your heartbeat speed up? Do you get a knot in your stomach? Do you not notice that they have “gone away”—that there even was a rupture? Do you feel moved to repair it or dig into a grudge? Just notice and validate your experiences without judgment. Many adults, like the second mother, might have a hard time tolerating space in a relationship. But throughout our lives, such space is necessary to calm down and recharge our nervous system, so that we can be genuinely connected when we “come back.” Now try this again in reverse. Imagine you need space, and you can sense that your partner or friend can’t tolerate it. What emotions does it bring up for you? Do you feel guilty? Angry? Sad? Fearful? All of the above? Or, can you stay grounded in your most confident self and take the space you need? Again, just notice and validate your experience without judgment. Well done! A+ just for trying. For parents to learn more. Click here to read “ Rupture and Repair Part 2: Connection, Disconnection, & Emotional Communication in Adult Relationships. ” References Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books Hendel. H.J. (2018). It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect with Your Authentic Self . New York: Random House Tronick, E. (1989). Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants. American Psychologist. Vol.44(2): 112-119

Winnicott, a famous psychoanalyst, taught me that people don’t have to be perfect they have to be “good enough.” Phew! That was a relief to learn. But what does it mean to be "good enough?" The good-enough parent, according to Winnicott, is one who tolerates their child's emotions, as well as their own. Above all and even during life's most difficult moments, the good-enough parent strives to never emotionally abandon or retaliate. Don't abandon or retaliate . I find this simple statement to hold powerful wisdom not only for parenting guidance but for all interactions and relationships. In an emotion-phobic society like ours, where schools fail to provide an education in how emotions work and what to do with them, staying positively connected during heated situations is no easy task. We desperately need information, tools, and skills to help us feel and deal better with our emotions! The mantra: Don’t abandon and don't retaliate offers a simple guide to damage control when you're about to "lose it.” Don’t abandon and don't retaliate. I say these words to myself when I am in a heated disagreement or argument with my loved ones. I use them to evaluate my words and actions before I speak or act. No matter my role as a mother, friend, colleague, or daughter, I repeat to myself - Don’t abandon or retaliate . When I sense my anger, frustration, anxiety, tension, need to control, or other defensive impulses rising, I remind myself: do not abandon or retaliate. What are some examples of emotional abandonment? Ignoring someone. Giving a cold shoulder. Shutting someone alone in a room. Preventing loving connections with others. Holding a grudge. Withholding love and affection. Threatening to leave the person. Going limp, quiet, withdrawn, depressed, or flat . __________________________________ (add your own example here.) Of course, it’s wise to take a break when we feel too upset to have a constructive interaction. But first, we have to inform the person we are leaving because we are overwhelmed and need a break to calm down. Just as important we need to tell them we will be back to discuss/work it out later when we are calmer. Too many of my clients have woefully shared stories of parents, who cut off connection with them if they didn't do or say what their parents wanted. Sometimes the cold shoulder lasted a day and sometimes months when the child grew to be a young adult and left home for school or work. This is emotional abandonment and it does leave scars. That's why it's a true act of love to stay positively connected. To paraphrase Bell Hooks, the author of All About Love, l ove is an action that nourishes the soul. How do we remain positively connected? Listen and try to be patient. Use words to express how you feel. Do your best to understand the emotions, thinking, and words of others even when you think and feel radically different. Ask questions! Try to connect with an open heart, a warm gaze, and expressions of interest or curiosity. Talk and act like you actively care about the other. Try to help and support the other even when "not feeling it." Say things like: “I hear you.” “I want to understand." What can I do to support you?” “What can I do to help?” or "I disagree but it doesn't change how I feel about you." Find the words that best fit your personality that convey similar sentiments. Having angry feelings is natural and totally okay. Emotions just are so having emotions doesn't say anything bad about you. Retaliating in anger means indulging the anger in hurtful ways. That is not okay. Channeling anger into assertion for setting limits and boundaries is making good use of anger. What does retaliation look like? To call names or insult someone. To snap at someone. To yell at someone. To tell them to “shut up!” To belittle someone. To exert power or control over someone. To tell someone you don't care about them or how they feel. To tell someone they are "too sensitive." (Or are you too insensitive? It's relative and subjective!) To tell someone they are crazy (even though they may be acting like they are crazy.) To use shaming body language, especially with a harsh, judgmental look or contemptuous tone of voice. To threaten punishment. To physically or sexually assault someone. Sometimes we need a break. But we can take a break the wrong way by saying, for example, “I have had it with you!” and then storm out of the house. Or we can take a break the better way by saying, for example, “I see how upset you are and I am so sorry you’re feeling so terrible. I have to take a break to calm down. Want to (sit quietly with me, go for a walk, watch some tv, bake a cake together, etc.) or should we get a little space from each other until we are both calmer and can better figure out what might help?" What would YOU rather hear? What does it mean NOT to retaliate in anger? It means you don’t say anything mean, insulting, devaluing, or belittling. It means you work hard to stay present and openhearted. It means you forgive the person their emotions, mood, and bad behaviors due to traumas, mistakes, immaturity, or just being human. It means you always treat people with respect (even though you might not respect their behaviors). It means you don’t say bad things about a person to others. It means instead of acting out , you work the Change Triangle to understand and skillfully manage your emotions as they arise in real-time. When we do NOT abandon or retaliate even though we want to, we are tasked with learning to skillfully manage our emotions. Whether we work the Change Triangle to process emotions or consult with an emotion coach or psychotherapist , we have to learn to calm emotions and process them internally without retaliating or abandoning others. Holding in emotions can make us depressed or anxious, so we need a variety of healthy outlets to release them. There are tools and techniques such as validating emotions , taking deep belly breaths , squeezing a stress ball , or processing anger using fantasy . It’s normal for the people we love to enrage us at times. It’s how we work with our anger that matters. Don't abandon and don't retaliate is powerful guidance for us all. Although it may take a lifetime to master these words, the first step is knowing them and remembering to say them to yourself. Imagine if we silently reminded ourselves in the midst of heated moments, do not abandon, and do not retaliate . And then heeded those words. What do you think would have been different in your life? Further reading: Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You and Your Family Can Thrive

My friend and colleague Dr. Drew Ramsey, MD, a nutritional psychiatrist, has written a new book called, Healing the Modern Brain . Drawing upon his years of experience as a physician, father, and human, Dr. Ramsey provides us with a broad-based prescription for wellness that we can absolutely fill. Upon coming across the chapter called Unburdening , I wondered what Dr. Ramsey meant by this word. There are many ways to unburden ourselves. For example, we can minimize contact with “toxic people,” reduce clutter in our home, or say no to tasks that add too much to our plate. We can also unburden our inner world. For example, we can let go of long-held grudges that keep us stuck. We can discover and process buried emotions that weigh us down. We can refuse to be burdened by the demands and judgments of others, like being told we aren’t good enough or that we are to blame . This following is an excerpt from Healing the Modern Brain on Unburdening: I have another client, Patrick, who is incredibly uncomfortable when it comes to personal finance, even though he has a great and well-paying tech job. He finds himself very uncomfortable having conversations with his wife about their household budget. He refuses to look at or pay any bills. When his family recently decided to renovate their kitchen, he went out of his way to avoid visiting the bank to sign the paperwork for a home equity loan – making his wife quite angry as he missed appointment after appointment. When I asked him why he was so reticent to deal with money matters, he had first dodged the question. “Isn’t it my job to make the money?“ He said. “I’m relying on my wife to manage it. I don’t see why I have to be involved. I’m busy enough with my work.“ But as we talked more over the coming months, I learned that Patrick came from a rather impoverished background. His father had struggled to hold down a job throughout his childhood – and his mother was always taking on extra work to try to make ends meet. He remembered, at one point, his mother dressing him and his sister’s up in their Sunday best to go down to the bank. They had fallen behind on the mortgage payment and his mother was asking for grace until they could make up the difference. It was, he told me, deeply humiliating, and not the only time his mother used the family to plead for financial leniency. All of a sudden, the idea of avoiding a trip to the bank to sign some loan paperwork didn’t seem so strange anymore. “Does your wife know about this?“ I asked him. “She doesn’t know about this stuff.“ “It might help her understand you better—­ and why you can be somewhat reticent about engaging about the finances.” It took some time, but we started to talk about ways that he could communicate about money. By exposing himself to it a little bit at a time—­ a small bill here, a bank statement there—­ he learned to be more comfortable about the topic. And to understand that his nervous system was reacting to then, not now. One of the main ways I help unburden people is by helping them identify and release buried core emotions . Additionally, the burden of anxiety is often relieved by identifying the core conflicts that lurk underneath, like the desire to strive versus the pull to feel safe albeit unchallenged. And, there are many other practical ways to unburden ourselves. Dr. Ramsey describes one method called Exposure and Response Prevention (ESP). The idea of ERP is to build up exposure to something that may be causing you some anxiety, recognize why those feelings may be there, and work through them. Methods like ERP and tools like the Change Triangle , and many other strategies, help us release our burdens and forge a lighter more “ authentically me ” path to life. We can care for ourselves and in so doing become even more open to love and connection with the people in our lives. Healing can happen over the full span of our lifetime if we set out with that intention. In each chapter of Healing the Modern Brain you will be nourished. Books for healing: Healing the Modern Brain  (Pre-order) It's Not Always Depression   Parents Have Feelings, Too  (Pre-order)

Life is stressful. That’s a fact. To grow and learn we must try new things. Struggling, prevailing, and tolerating failures along the way builds confidence and the deep feeling in a child that “I can do it.” But the positive aspects of struggle and stress are lost when the amount of stress becomes too great and/or sustained. Persistent and long-lasting stress on the mind and body caused by overwhelming emotions leads to traumatic stress , a condition characterized by a nervous system in overdrive. The brain’s emotional centers lock into a state of DANGER and the body operates in the fight, flight, and freeze modes. Traumatic stress feels awful. For example, the body tenses and succumbs to many other physiological changes leading to digestive problems and headaches. Furthermore, children overwhelmed by emotions can’t engage positively in learning as curiosity in the outside world is a byproduct of a calm nervous system, not one that’s in a state of high alert. Imagine for a moment what it feels like when you are terrified. Do you feel well? Do you feel like learning, engaging in life, and socializing with others? No! When children and adults alike are terrified, we want to run away, hide, and find safety again as soon as possible so we feel better. When we are scared, we feel vulnerable and insecure. After a while, we feel hopeless, numb and even dead inside. Depression , chronic anxiety , substance abuse, isolation, and aggression , are all symptoms of traumatic stress. So, what can be done to help a child experiencing traumatic stress? Help them to feel calmer. Here are 7 ways: 1. Be with them — connection is soothing. John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, taught us that children need to feel safe and secure to thrive. It may seem elementary, but the first aspect of creating safety for a child is being there so a connection can be established. A child with traumatic stress is scared (even if they don’t appear so on the outside, like how a bully or aggressive child may present). Simply having someone in the room can be a comfort even when there is push-back from the child. Being alone heightens fear. 2. Be gentle so as not to inadvertently startle or jar a child. A child suffering from traumatic stress is fragile and prickly, a byproduct of a hyper-aroused nervous system. We live in a very left-brain dominant culture where we don’t talk nearly enough about emotional safety conveyed through right brain communications. Right-brained communications are the non-verbal cues we unconsciously pick up from one another. Right-brain communications include tone of voice, eye contact, and body language. Adults should strive to speak in a gentle, calm voice with soft eyes and slow movements to avoid jarring or startling a child. Just think about how you like to be approached when you are upset. 3. Play fosters safe positive connection, and the positive connection is calming. Playing feels good and is healthy for all people no matter what age. According to Polyvagal theory, play stimulates the social engagement system of the vagus nerve, the body’s largest nerve, and therefore relaxes the nervous system. Play helps a child feel better and calm down. But play involves so much more than a game. It involves a connection, smiling, speaking with a cheery and playful tone of voice, and movement. All of those actions calm a child. It may seem counter-intuitive to initiate play with a child under stress, but if they are receptive, it gives the nervous system a chance to calm down. Even if for a little while, a moment of playfulness is good. 4. Help a child name their feelings. Putting language on emotions helps calm down the nervous system. We can use stories, our own personal stories or ones we create, to help a child put language on their emotions. For example, a mother could share with her traumatized child, “When I was little, my mother went away for a long time. She was sick, so she had to go to where doctors could help her. Even though I understood why she went away, I was still so sad and scared. And, sometimes I even felt angry at her for not being there for me. All those feelings are so natural.” There are many ways to help children put language on their feelings. You can show them drawings of little faces with many feelings and they can point to the ones they relate to. You can help a child name their feelings with games, drawings, and puppets. 5. Help a child express their feelings. Emotions contain impulses that generate biological energy. This energy needs to be expressed so it doesn’t get pent-up inside and lead to anxiety and depression. For example, if a child is in danger, their brain will trigger fear. Fear sends signals throughout the body, setting off impulses to run. But if a child is in a situation where they cannot run to safety, like being restrained by Mexican border patrolmen, all that energy gets trapped in the body and leads to symptoms of traumatic stress. Helping a child express their emotions can be done in a variety of creative ways, such as the through art, creative movement, play, stories, fantasy, puppets, or by helping the child verbally or physically express themselves. You should feel free to experiment and take your cues from the child for what works best. Cues to look for that indicate you are helping a child are expressions of relief, happiness, calm, and a desire to play and connect more. If an intervention is not helping, you’ll see a child’s face and body demonstrate more tension, sadness, anger, rigidity, and withdrawal. 6. When a child accepts it, give hugs and other physical affection. Holding, rocking, stroking, hugging , and swaddling can help soothe a stressed nervous system. Again, take your cues from the child. If they don’t like something, don’t do it. You can tell by the way the child looks and reacts if they are responding positively or negatively. If they stiffen, it’s a protest. If they relax and soften, that’s a green light. 7. Reassure a child and help them make sense of what’s happening. A little reassurance goes a long way. Be explicit! Say things like, “You will be ok,” “This feeling is temporary,” “You are not alone,” “It’s not your fault,” and, “You don’t deserve this.” Don’t lie to a child. Do look for truthful ways you can reassure them that they are safe now and will not be alone. Explain what has happened and what is currently happening. For example, in the case of parental separation, “Mommy and daddy are safe and soon you will see them again. Until then, we’ll be together every day and I’ll take care of you.” Reassuring a child that they didn’t do anything bad and that they matter helps because children internalize shame, a sense that they are bad or unworthy when they feel bad. Humans, especially children, are wired for connection and thrive in calm environments. We must do everything we can to restore a child’s sense of safety and security as fast as possible, if it has been compromised. There are many educational resources available to adults, like the Change Triangle tool for emotional health, and programs like RULER, an evidence-based approach for integrating social and emotional learning into schools, that help children. There is always more we can do in our families and communities to minimize stress and foster emotional wellbeing . The cost to our society is great when our children suffer. For further reading, pick up a copy of Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You and Your Family Can Thrive

Over the 18 years that I have studied emotions, I have learned things that felt so universally important for health and wellbeing that I was shocked they had never been taught to me before. I mean, come on! I learned trigonometry in high school which I’ve barely used but information on emotions, which affects my daily life, I was taught NOTHING! I was fortunate to study biological sciences, neuroscience, and psychology at the best schools, and not once did I learn any of the following crucial aspects of being a person: Emotions just are. They can't be stopped. They can't be prevented. We only have a choice over how we respond to emotions. And that is a hugely important choice we all have to make several times each and every day. Emotions are physical experiences. They are a collection of bodily sensations and impulses for actions that we come to recognize as a particular emotion. Core emotions are wired-in programs that are active from birth to death. Babies cannot effectively soothe and calm their own emotions - they need calm and loving adults to do that for them. As adults, we can calm and soothe ourselves better. (But adults also need others for soothing and comfort.) The ability to sense emotions in the body has important ramifications for personal growth, brain change, and transformation. Core emotions cause changes in the body that can be perceived with effort and practice using guides like the Change Triangle . Core emotions have adaptive action tendencies that we feel as impulses. Often these impulses, when we aren't aware of them, drive unwanted behaviors behind the scenes. Whether we are consciously aware of emotional impulses or not, they always exert a force for action. For example, when we are triggered to anger, we may feel the impulse to blame or attack the person who angered us, but still not be aware that we are experiencing anger. Inhibitory emotions like anxiety, guilt, and shame, are another category of emotions that serve to bury, squash, and block core emotions. (See them on the top right corner of the Change Triangle down below.) Inhibitory emotions suppress core emotions to keep us connected to others. For example, I learned to use guilt and shame to bury my anger so I was not aware of being angry and did not show my anger with others who I thought would judge and reject me for it. Many people judge and blame others for having emotions because they don’t understand emotions and haven't learned constructive ways to respond to other people's emotions. Emotions are contagious. Over 70% of emotional communication is non-verbal. We deeply react to each other's tone of voice, body posture, and facial expressions. For example, no matter the words my mother says, if she looks angry and has a harsh and judgmental tone of voice, I will be triggered. We use defenses to avoid emotions, and those defenses are meant to protect us from emotional discomfort. Defenses are brilliant adaptations designed to help us survive painful experiences. It doesn’t help to think of them as bad. Rather it is important to understand that habitually using defenses costs us our vitality and authenticity. Processing feelings instead of burying them or blocking them with defenses and inhibitory emotions is important because the energy that core emotions create needs release - not to stay stuck in our body. Ideally, emotional energy is spent on engagement with the outside world (meaningful work, activities, and connection with other people), not on maintaining defenses that push our emotions away. We benefit from learning how to welcome and listen to our emotions instead of burying them which can cause many emotional and physical symptoms including muscular tension, bowel problems, headaches, and more. Depression and anxiety are symptoms of buried core emotions. Noticing emotions integrates the brain, mind, and body which leads to greater calm, confidence, mental flexibility, and better health. The Change Triangle is a practical tool to work with emotions that none of us should be without. Healing the mind is possible under the right conditions because of neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to re-wire with new learning). Working with emotions unlocks a powerful vehicle for change and transformation. Every one of us benefits from basic education in emotions - Emotions Education 101 . Knowledge dispels many of the dangerous myths our society teaches us about emotions. Teaching people they are weak for their emotions or that it’s possible to exert mind over matter to stop emotions has grave consequences for our mental health. These are falsehoods that hurt our individual and collective well-being. I wrote It's Not Always Depression to teach you about emotions. By the end of this easy-to-read self-help book, where you will be a "fly on the wall" in my sessions, you will: Know the difference between core emotions, inhibitory emotions, and defenses. Recognize them in yourself. Recognize how they relate to one another. Understand that working the Change Triangle leads to a predictable way to spend more time in peaceful states. Be able to identify where you are on The Change Triangle. Understand that working the Change Triangle is a reliable path to improved mental health. Understand that the Change Triangle works for everyone because emotions are universal and work the same way for everyone. Start to work the Change Triangle tool for emotional health to feel better. Know when you need help and/or you've reached the limit of what you can do alone. Keep learning about emotions! It is a true game-changer for health and wellbeing.