As the wife of a Swifty, I am familiar with the song Anti-Hero. As a psychotherapist and student of human wellbeing, these particular lyrics struck a chord for me (pun intended):
It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.
I don't know what Taylor intended, but to me this line is about the relief that comes from being accountable. Owning my mistakes, flaws, and transgressions, which hasn't always been an easy endeavor, has freed me from my defensiveness. It’s improved my family relationships immensely. But I had to work on getting through my shame.
Shame, an inhibitory emotion on the Change Triangle, blocks accountability. It’s an excruciatingly painful emotion that makes it hard (or seemingly impossible) to be seen as selfish, hurtful, fallible, or wrong. The negative exposure is just too excruciating.
Consider Mark who was deeply hurt when his partner Alison went out with girlfriends and didn't invite him. Alison enjoyed "girls night out." But Mark's disappointed face made her feel angry and bad about herself.
When Mark pouted, Alison got defensive, “You're such a jerk! You don’t care about me. All you care about is yourself!” Her retort worsened their fight and their disconnectedness.
But Mark was allowed to be hurt. Feelings just are! And, in truth Alison was leaving him alone, which he didn't like.
Over time, she became aware that when Mark pouted, her anger came up because he was trying to hold her back. Alison also felt ashamed for hurting him and not wanting to take care of him.
From working the Change Triangle, Alison became calmer and more sturdy in her decisions. She became aware of her anger and what it was for. She became aware of her shame, which decreased as she understood how it connected back to "lessons" she learned in her childhood that equated selfishness with self-care. Not getting as affected when she saw his pouty expressions, she was better able to withstand Mark's disappointment. As a result, she could control her defensiveness - a major accomplishment!
All this change in Alison led to her willingness and ability to be more accountable for her needs and actions. She now responded to Mark with greater understanding.
She said, “It's me! I do like to spend time alone with my girlfriends. It’s very important for my wellbeing. And I understand that hurts you terribly. I hope you know that I love you even though I also like to spend time with my girlfriends.”
Mark still didn't like those times when Alison went out without him. And he still pouted. But her efforts to be loving and accountable for her hurtful actions made Mark calmer and less reactive. Alison felt less resentful, more free, and more positively connected.
In the natural course of relationships, we will hurt each other. But if we can own our actions and the hurt they have caused, even if we didn't mean to cause hurt, emotions will calm, and the road towards repair will be paved. The connection to both our authentic self and to others will strengthen because we are being true to ourselves. Sing It's me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.
For more help with authenticity and accountability, check out these blog posts: