Steel, Not Snowflakes: Real Grit Means Mastering Your Emotions

Humanity has always prized strength. From soldiers and athletes to business leaders and doctors, we admire people who can keep their cool when the pressure is rising. But here’s a truth we don’t talk about enough: strength isn’t about avoiding emotions to the detriment of our mental health, it’s the ability to master emotions by learning how to use them.

For too long, we’ve equated toughness with never showing feelings. But stuffing down emotions doesn’t make us strong—it makes us brittle. True grit means knowing how to harness emotions, such as anger, fear, and sadness, so that they fuel confidence, calm, vitality, and connection, all aspects that help us persevere.

Real Grit Is Control Under Fire

Research shows that emotions are not a choice—they’re built into the human brain and body. Neuroscientist, Jaak Panksepp, theorized that “core emotions” like anger and fear are hardwired survival responses. They help us avert danger and assert ourselves. At UCLA, psychologist Matthew Lieberman’s research found that naming emotions plays a role in emotional regulation. This small act calms the brain’s threat response, which strengthens self-control.

According to these researchers, emotional mastery isn’t about suppressing feelings; it’s about using them strategically. It’s this skillset that makes exceptional leaders decisive and compassionate, and exceptional fathers patient and calm, even under stress.

Take Richard, for example, a 45-year-old man who came to therapy for depression. Beaten as a child, Richard had burning rage towards his father for the abuse he endured. Without someone to help him name and work through his justified anger, sadness, and fear, Richard expressed his fury in actions. He bullied; it was the only way he knew how to let off steam.

Another former patient, Ben, got into trouble at work and took his emotions out on his kids. He yelled at them and criticized their mistakes. Underneath his anger, Ben felt a deep sadness and fear, but his parents never taught him how to work through these emotions, so they came out sideways. 

Both Ben and Richard had learned messages that made them push away their emotions, instead of dealing with them directly. As a result, they had less self-control, not more. 

Perseverance Is Emotional Grit

Our successes stories are powered by perseverance. And not one of us can persevere without emotional grit.

The Harvard Adult Development Study—the longest-running study of human thriving—found that people who flourish don’t avoid their feelings. Rather, they know how to regulate them and stay connected under stress. 

Discouragement, frustration, and fear are what make people quit. Grit means knowing how to face those feelings, manage them, and keep going. Emotional skills are the backbone of perseverance.

The Change Triangle®: A Map for Mastery and Emotional Grit

While emotional intelligence helps us thrive in every domain of life, society doesn’t equip us with education in emotions. For over twenty years, I have been sharing a tool called the Change Triangle®, a simple map for working with emotions. It shows us how to move from being hijacked by anxiety, shame, or rage back toward strength, clarity, and calm.

When irritability rises, the Change Triangle reminds us to ask: What’s underneath? Fear? Sadness? Frustration? Once identified, we can troubleshoot these emotions by working through them, which empowers us to respond with strategy instead of freak-outs. 

It’s a playbook for life—one that transforms raw emotion into thoughtful action. 

Steel, Not Snowflakes

During trying times, we need strong, resilient, and compassionate leaders, teachers, parents, clergy, and communities who can tap into the brilliant data that emotions provide. Anger tells us we’ve been violated. Fear helps us avoid true threats. Sadness helps us mourn losses. This know-how doesn’t weaken the human spirit; it fortifies it. Tragedy and hard times befall us all, and it’s the ability to handle these emotions that makes us unbreakable.

Anyone can learn skills for how to be with emotions and transfer that learning into real and positive change. I hope you will too.

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Further reading on using emotions to build strength, resilience, and emotional health:

It’s Not Always Depression (Random House, 2018)

Parents Have Feelings Too (Alcove Press, 2025)