Working with Shame:
From Blocked Connection to
Restored Self
Listen To the Body. Discover Core Emotions.
Connect to Your Authentic Self.
What is shame (according to my two favorite shame researchers)?
"Shame is a core affect that organizes the self. It arises when we feel exposed,
inadequate, or rejected. Over time, shame becomes embedded in governing scenes—memories,
images, and phrases that silently shape how we expect others to see and treat us." - Gershen Kaufman, PhD
"Shame is triggered whenever interest or joy is interrupted in the eyes of another. It
is a normal, universal human affect—our nervous system’s way of signaling that connection feels at
risk." -Donald Nathanson, MD
Governing Scenes (Kaufman)
Shame often carries images and words that replay automatically in the mind, such as a critical parent’s
face, a humiliating peer moment, or labels like “too much” or “not enough.” These "governing scenes"
shape our identity until they are named, shared, and rewritten in a safe, empathic relationship.
A Pathway to Repair
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Name it: This sinking feeling is shame—something blocked my interest or joy.
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Spot your Compass move (see above chart) : Withdraw, attack self, avoid, or attack other.
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Uncover the governing scene: What image or phrase appeared? Whose voice is it?
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De-shame: Offer accurate, compassionate language.
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Reconnect to interest and joy: Take a small, safe step toward connection. Healthy pride grows when interest and joy are restored in relationship.
Download and print out the worksheet here:
Read Brian's story on healing from a shame-based depression HERE: