When the Holidays Hurt: How Christopher and Alison Found Relief

Many people assume that families should love each other, get along, and enjoy the holidays. But for a surprising number of us, that’s not reality. Holidays often stir up anxiety, sadness, loneliness, or old wounds we thought we’d outgrown.

Two of my clients, Christopher and Alison, learned this firsthand—and also discovered new, healthy ways to cope.

Christopher: “Everyone else looked happy. I just felt worse.”

Christopher grew up in a harsh, joyless home. As an adult, he built a life that felt stable and satisfying—until November arrived. Every year, like clockwork, his anxiety rose and his mood sank. Watching friends and coworkers get excited for the holidays only intensified his pain.

Holiday cheer reminded him of a profound loss: the loving family he never had.

In therapy, Christopher learned that his sadness wasn’t something to push away. It was a natural response to real deprivation. When he used the Change Triangle to name and honor his sadness instead of suppressing it, his anxiety eased.

Releasing his sadness brought surprising relief. With compassion for his own pain and a reminder that the season would pass, he navigated the holidays one day at a time—and made it through with more steadiness and self-kindness.

Alison: “The dread hit me the moment I thought of seeing her.”

Alison loved most of her family. But she dreaded holidays because of one person: her sister-in-law, who was consistently mean to her. Just the idea of being in the same room filled Alison with tension.

This year, she tried something different. Using the Change Triangle in real time, Alison began noticing and validating her emotional reactions. When anxiety surged in her chest, she paused, breathed deeply, and named the core emotions underneath—sadness, anger, fear—without judgment.

Each time she felt that familiar spike of anger, she quietly told herself, “Of course I’m angry. She’s mean to me.” This simple validation helped calm her body.

When the anger was too big to contain, Alison gave herself a break: she stepped away, wrote down everything she wished she could say, and released the energy safely. Her aim wasn’t to eliminate the feelings—it was to get through the day without numbing out or exploding.

Why Holidays Trigger Us

Holidays often activate old emotional pain:

• difficult or estranged relationships

• losses due to death or divorce

• memories of neglect, criticism, or abuse

• family members struggling with alcoholism or mental illness

• the loneliness of feeling unseen, even in a crowd

When these arise, we tend to do one of two things:

1. Avoid or numb the emotions just to survive, or

2. Turn toward them with compassion, which helps in both the short and long run.

The Change Triangle is the tool I use to help people choose the second path—steadily and safely.

How to Work the Change Triangle During the Holidays

The basic steps include:

• Validate what you feel with compassion instead of judgment

• Pause to breathe and calm your body

• Name the core emotions present—sadness, anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc.

• Listen for the messages your emotions carry and use techniques to release emotions.(I show these in detail in my two books.)

• Consider constructive actions, like setting firm boundaries and talking through conflicts, that both honor your feelings and, when possible, maintain positive connections.

Suppressing emotions often amplifies anxiety and depression. Naming and acknowledging them reconnects us to our authentic self and allows movement toward relief.

Five Practical Ways to Get Through the Holidays

1. Don’t avoid your emotions. Identify and validate them. Keep a copy of the Change Triangle nearby as a guide.

2. Give yourself compassion. Notice when you’re being hard on yourself and soften your tone—as you would for a dear friend.

3. Remember emotions are temporary (even though they feel endless). They rise, peak, and fall.

4. Set boundaries with kindness and firmness. For example: “If you continue to criticize me, I will have to leave.”

5. Try new approaches. Families get stuck in roles. I suggested Alison experiment by offering her sister-in-law a sincere compliment to shift the dynamic. If that didn’t work, she could neutrally say during conflicting moments, “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

A Final Word

If the holidays are hard for you, you are not alone. Every one of us feels a mix of emotions this time of year. What matters most isn’t whether we have big feelings—it’s how we respond to them. With a basic understanding of emotions, a willingness to work the Change Triangle, and the courage to try new strategies, we can meet the holiday season with more steadiness, compassion, and resilience. I wish that for you.