6 Practices to Work with Emotional Numbness Using Principles from AEDP psychotherapy
- Jun 17
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 23
Many people—especially those who identify as neurodivergent or highly cognitive—live beautifully in their heads. Thinking, analyzing, and problem-solving are no doubt great strengths. They help us adapt, succeed, and make sense of a complex world.
And yet, many people come to me in my capacity as an AEDP psychotherapist—an experiential therapy specializing in emotions and attachment—saying: "I don’t feel much" or, “I know I should feel something… but I don’t.”
This is what we often call numbness. Sometimes numbness overlaps with a difficulty in identifying and describing emotions, called alexithymia.
But I want to start by reframing this completely.
Numbness is not a failure. It’s a brilliant adaptation.
The Change Triangle and Numbness
The Change Triangle is a map of our emotional state. This tool is crucial for so many reasons, mostly because it helps us identify our emotions and use them to feel better when we are distressed. On the Change Triangle, numbness typically lives on the defense corner. A defense is defined as anything that protects us from emotional pain or discomfort.
When core emotions (like sadness, anger, fear, joy) feel too overwhelming, the nervous system protects us by dampening sensation. So, instead of feeling too much, we feel very little.
Underneath numbness, we often find:
Inhibitory emotions: anxiety, shame, guilt
And beneath those, we find our core emotions waiting patiently to be felt. The core emotions are anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, and excitement.
Numbness is what happens when the system says: “This is too much. Let’s shut it down—for now.”
Why Thinking Takes Over
For many neurodivergent individuals, thinking isn’t just a preference—it’s a regulation strategy.
When emotions feel confusing, intense, or inaccessible, the mind steps in:
to organize
to predict
to create distance
Thinking becomes a safe home base.
The problem isn’t thinking. I personally love thinking and I enjoy most of my thoughts. The problem is when staying in our head, thinking, is the only place we can go. It's when we feel jammed in our heads, disconnected from our emotions, that we need the Change Triangle tool for emotional health.
A Compassionate Truth
You cannot think your way into feeling. But—you can think your way toward feeling with a basic education in emotions and how they work in the mind and body. I wanted nothing to do with my emotions until I actually learned about the science of emotions. And because that was life-changing for me and my mental health, I started sharing it with anyone who was interested. That's how I came to write books about emotions.
Once you get some knowledge about emotions, you can continue with some gentle exercises like below.
Gentle Practices to Work with Numbness
1. Start with the body—not emotions
If you feel nothing emotionally, don’t ask, “What do I feel?” Instead ask: “What do I notice in my body?”
Even numbness has a physical signature:
heaviness
blankness
fog
pressure
absence
The goal is not to change it—just to notice it.
“Something in me feels flat… like a gray fog in my chest.”
That’s the beginning of contact.
2. Use curiosity, not pressure
Pressure shuts the system down further.
Instead of: “Why can’t I feel anything?” Try: “I wonder what this numbness is protecting me from?”
Curiosity softens defenses. It signals safety.
3. Track micro-shifts
When you’re used to living in your head, emotional shifts can be subtle.
Look for:
a slight sigh
a change in breath
warmth or tingling
an urge to move, cry, or speak
These are signs that the system is beginning to thaw.
4. Borrow language (this helps with alexithymia)
If identifying feelings is hard, use scaffolding:
Look at a feelings list
Try on words gently: “Could this be frustration? Maybe sadness?”
Say: “I’m not sure, but I sense _____________.” (Plug in a word from the emotions and sensations words list).
You don’t need to be accurate. You just need to stay engaged.
5. Externalize first, internalize later
Sometimes it’s easier to access emotions indirectly:
through music
movies
stories
other people’s experiences
Notice:
“That scene made my throat tight.”
“I felt drawn to that character.”
I can't watch that scene!
This is your emotional system speaking.
6. Move the body
Emotions are action tendencies. When they’re blocked, the body can help restart the flow.
Try:
walking
stretching
shaking out your arms
pressing your feet into the ground
You’re not forcing emotion—you’re creating conditions where it can emerge.
A Note on Safety
Sometimes numbness is there because the underlying emotions feel too big or too threatening. In those moments, the goal is not to “break through.” The goal is to build capacity and safety in your body with:
Feeling returns when the system trusts that it can.
What Lies Beneath
When numbness softens, what often emerges are the very human emotions we all share:
sadness that needs witnessing
anger that needs honoring
fear that needs soothing
longing for connection
And eventually, as we process these, we move toward the open-hearted states of the authentic self where we feel calmer and more connected.
A Final Thought
If you live in your head, you are not doing it wrong. You adapted.
But you don’t have to stay there. Your body holds another kind of intelligence—one that doesn’t use words, but guides us with deep intuition. We don’t force or judge our way back to feeling. We befriend the numbness…and gently, patiently, it begins to soften.
