Don't Just Think It Through - Feel It Through. Name Your Emotions!

My parents taught me many useful lessons but perhaps the most valuable advice was to think it through.

"Think before you speak" and "Think it through before act," they'd advise. These wise words served me well over the years.

What I was not taught, however, was to consider my emotions before I opened my mouth or took actions. In the past, the idea of naming and processing emotions in the body in order to think more clearly and logically wasn't yet an idea to be considered. Emotions education simply didn't exist. And the Change Triangle was still relegated to a fringe group of healing-oriented and trauma-informed psychotherapists.

Nevertheless, it turns out we do need to "feel it through" as well as "think it through." We greatly benefit from understanding which emotions are affecting us and why. If we remain unaware, emotions exert a covert force upon us. We risk being puppets on a string, doing things and making decisions with unwanted consequences.

Here's an example: Stephanie has a new boss with a gruff and insensitive style. After feeling publicly humiliated during a company meeting about a mistake she made, she decided to quit. However, Stephanie doesn't consider how it would be to get a new job and a new boss, or that this job pays her well and allows her flexibility.

Stephanie, in a moment of insight, pauses to consider her emotions before she quits. She looks at the Change Triangle to determine what she is feeling. She names anxiety and shame.

The Change Triangle is a tool that helps us figure out what we are experiencing emotionally at any given moment and shows us the path to feeling calmer and more solid in ourselves. Here is Stephanie's experience plotted on the Change Triangle:

When Stephanie's boss publicly criticizes her, it evokes anger, sadness and disgust. She reflexively squashes those feelings down with shame and anxiety. The combination of core and inhibitory emotions feels so overwhelming in her body that she shifts into a defensive state causing her to almost impulsively quit her job. But then she recollects the Change Triangle and pauses to understand her emotions. She names them and understands their reason for being. This calms her and allows her to think more clearly before she takes action and quits.

Knowing that anxiety and shame are both inhibitory emotions, she tries to name the underlying core emotions, hoping it will help her gain clarity as to whether she should quit her job.

Slowing down to a snails pace by taking deep belly breaths, she scans her body up and down for a full minute, being curious about what core emotions she will encounter underneath her anxiety.

She imagines diving below her defenses and inhibitory emotions to name each and every core emotion underneath. Stephanie notices sadness, anger, and disgust. No wonder she was so upset and wanted to quit, she thought, she had many emotions!

When she listened to each of those emotions, one-by-one, this is what she learned about herself:

• I am sad because I am a good worker and I deserve a more affirming work environment. So I am sad that I don’t have that.

• I am angry at my boss for publicly embarrassing me.

• I am disgusted by my boss for the way he hurt me.

Now Steph can think more clearly about what to do, not based on emotional impulsivity. Instead she listens to her emotions, taking them into consideration during the thought process.

Just by naming her emotions, she felt less distressed and more compassionate to herself. Remembering that the waves of emotions pass often after a night’s sleep, she decided to wait to see how her feelings changed in the days to come. A week later, she had totally recovered and even had a few nice meetings with her new boss where the boss (slightly) redeemed herself.

We make many decisions throughout the day that can affect us for better or worse. By feeling it through and thinking it through, we get the best outcomes. When we work the Change Triangle, we get calmer, more curious, more compassionate, and we gain clarity. We build space in our mind and body to consider if the words we want to speak or the actions we want to take will bring us towards peace and prosperity.

I wish that for you.

---

Further reading:

To Learn more about how to tend to your emotions using the Change Triangle as a guide, pick up a copy or listen to It's Not Always Depression (US & Canada) or It's Not Always Depression (UK)

For Parents on their emotions: Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can Thrive (Coming September 2025, Pre-order now)